the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
