You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
