he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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