I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
