I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
