i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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