I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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