Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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