Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
