I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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