gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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