you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I know her cup size but not her name....
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
