I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
MIDGETS
????
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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