I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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