Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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