I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
