I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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