...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
