I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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