Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
