Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Randomize
