2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Sorry about my life...
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize