So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
nutella sex= disaster
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
