At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
