He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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