and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
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