i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
