Four minutes until I can fart!
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
