I accidentally had phone sex last night
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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