Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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