I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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