fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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