I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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