The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize