I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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