I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
