Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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