went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
