I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Buhtt sex?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
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