i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Randomize
