I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I just found puke in my bra..
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
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