oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
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