He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
