made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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