Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize