i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i wish my penis had a tongue
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Dicks are not precious.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
