I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize