I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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