I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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