I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
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