i just wanna soil my oats bro
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
