I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
