Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
