I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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