why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I love you. Go after that dick
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
