Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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