it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
