I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
