I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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